Meditations on Meaning

Some run toward the truth and some run away from it. It’s hard to distinguish who’s who. Because we’re all running in one direction or another. Deluding ourselves into believing that our chosen direction is less painful than the alternative. While sustaining injuries along the way.

None of us stand still. That’s another delusion. That standing still is not running away from the truth. That life without movement is a compromise between running in one direction or another. It’s not a compromise. Stillness makes it harder for us apprehend the truth. Stillness is running away.

Juan not Don hides in the pig trough, covered in muck, and watches Carmelina and Benny walk toward the statue of David. He wonders whether he should confirm or deny the truth. Which is that Carmelina is his first kiss and first love, but that she is unfit and is likely unwilling to be his wife.

*****

Oftentimes we run in one direction or another because we think that we will suffer fewer injuries — to soften the blows. Which is another popular delusion. Whether we choose to run toward or away from the truth, we suffer similarly painful injuries. Because life is painful.

Tigers kill. Lovers cheat. Panties get stolen. And torturers torture. The question isn’t how do we soften the blows. It’s how do we learn from the blows? And how do we make the blows worthwhile? How do we see through suffering and get to truth?

The answer is to run with reckless abandon. Toward truth. And to remember, as we suffer through injuries, that pain is our fate in this world. And that though truth can alleviate pain and suffering, running toward truth does not. But running is all that we can do.

This talk about truth is too much for Juan not Don. He is only thirteen years old and is not yet concerned with abstract running metaphors. When he decides to follow Carmelina – to run toward truth – he doesn’t run on behalf of any particular ideal or understanding. He flipped a coin. It landed on heads.

*****

Juan climbs out of the pig trough, and looks at his now sullied ceremonial white toga. And at the now ruined ceremonial hemp bracelet that might have been Carmelina’s wedding band. He tosses the band into the trough. And watches it sink to the bottom of the muck. Then he runs toward truth.

He follows Carmelina and Benny to the Statue of David. Watches as they lie down underneath David’s slingshot. And kiss. And pull at each other’s togas. Pull off each other’s togas. Oh! It’s too much. Too much truth. The torture! Juan turns around. And runs in the other direction. Away from truth.

Fast. Heart pounding. As he decides that Carmelina never existed. And that their first kiss and perfect love never existed. Not in fantasy. Or reality. He still has yet to have a first kiss. When he does, it will be with a perfect love. Not with a two-timer like… what’s her name. He’s already forgotten.

*****

At the marketplace, he stops running. And looks around. He sees a woman tending to a baby. Too old. He’s sees a girl swinging on a swing. Too young. He walks a little farther. And sees the most beautiful girl in the world. Pale. Skinny. Eyes like stars. Selling rugs. An enchantress!

He asks for her name. “Carmelina,” she says. He smiles. Though he’s never known a Carmelina, the name feels familiar to him. But he doesn’t spend too much time thinking about her. Instead he looks into her eyes. Like stars. And decides that she will be his first.