Nonetheless, Juan is the name of our mythical lover. And his father sells the paperback version of mythical tragicomic play transcripts at the marketplace. And anything you learned in history class doesn’t matter nearly as much as Juan and his love. Not his love for any particular woman. Just his love!
*****
Juan is thirteen years old. And he often thinks about kissing girls. For instance, yesterday, while doing arithmetic at the chalk board in front of his peers at the Socratic School of Learning, he drew two zeros. And thought they looked like breasts. And imagined how he might add more body to those breasts.
Which incited his peers to laugh. And he was amazed that they could read his mind. Until he noticed that they were instead reading the midsection of his toga. Which revealed a wayward compass pointing toward the north star. “Why does it always point toward the north star?” he wondered.
Juan has never kissed a girl. Not because he’s never actually kissed a girl. He’s kissed half a dozen or so. But he chooses not to remember those kisses. Because none were perfect. They were dares. Or smelly. Or planted by his cousin Rita while he slept under one or another olive tree.
*****
His first kiss, he’s always known, would be with Carmelina. Who is his best friend and the most popular girl in town. She has a long, slender frame and short blond hair. And she accompanies her grandfather to the marketplace every Thursday afternoon to sell Make Love Not War bracelets.
All the boys stare at her. And flirt with her. And pull on her pink toga. And just before sunset, she chooses one boy and walks him through the arches and behind the statue of David. Once there – they’ve told Juan – she lays the boy underneath David’s slingshot and…
Juan doesn’t listen after that. Because he doesn’t want to know. And won’t let himself know. He wants to believe – and does believe – that she too hasn’t had a first kiss. And that one day she’ll pick him as her first.
*****
For years, Juan has wondered why she’s never chosen him. Perhaps because he’s a head smaller than her. Or because he can only talk with a sexy inflection in his voice when he’s had goat milk in the morning or a slug of wine at night. Or because last year he sheared off his favorite sheep’s left ear while she watched.
And though it looked the same when he sewed it back on, the sheep could never again move the ear up or down. Even though he tried for months to rehabilitate it. And she’s noted his failure, often joking that, “If I had fur, I wouldn’t let you shear it.”
Today is different. Because it’s been raining. And none of the other boys have come to the marketplace. And just before sunset, Carmelina asks to take a walk with Juan. And they walk through the arches and behind the statue of David. And lay down underneath his slingshot.
*****
And kiss. A perfect kiss. A first kiss. He notices that her lips feel like velvet. Her hair smells like rose blossoms. Her breath has an exotic mushroom flavor. And her breasts feel like… like the jelly fish that once stung him off Crete!
So this is what all the other boys talk about when they called her “a potent aphroditiac”! She is potent!! Which is why he doesn’t mind that a Spartan maid is watching from afar. In fact, it’s better with her watching!
Because Carmelina is perfectly potent. And the world should know that he’s kissing a perfectly potent girl. And feeling her breasts! “Perhaps our next kiss can be in front of an amphitheater full of people,” he thinks. Then he rolls Carmelina on top of him and uses his toes to play with her knees.
*****
It just so happens that Carmelina isn’t the only one in her family who knows about the spot underneath David’s slingshot. Her grandfather also pees there sometimes when the latrine is full. As it is today. Which is why, hose in hand, he notices his granddaughter atop Juan.
He is so upset that he leans down and punches Juan in the face with his free hand. And Juan, who hasn’t expected such a turn of events, laughs. Because it isn’t a strong punch. And because Carmelina’s grandpa is still holding the hose.
Juan pushes Carmelina off of him, stands, and confesses that he’s been in love with Carmelina for years. And that he intends never to let her go. And that a sucker punch and exposed hose won’t stop his love. So Grandpa kicks Juan in the balls. Twice. And Juan crumbles to the ground.
And promises never to kiss Carmelina again. But as he promises and writhes in pain, he winks at Carmelina. And Grandpa sees the wink. And kicks him in the balls again. And Juan redoubles in pain. And redoubles his promise. This time without winking.
*****
Later that night, after having returned to the pasture with his sheep, Juan removes a stone and a carving tool from his rucksack, and carves these words into stone: “Love is a kick in the balls. But it’s still better than the alternative!” Then he falls asleep, content and sore!
Loved it.