My buddy John has been hanging out with Katya for over a year. They’re both single, and they both seem to be attracted to each other. “She’s perfect,” he says.
For once, I agree. I’ve met many of John’s potential girlfriends and I’ve never been impressed. “She did three years in the penitentiary,” I once told him. “She made out with three guys at the bar tonight,” I told him another time.
But Katya is different. She is smart, pretty, ambitious, caring, elegant, and understated. And she hasn’t taken advantage of John’s tendency to give charitable donations to women he likes (rides to the airport, rent payments, bail… if a woman asks, John usually provides). Katya insists on an equality that he’s not used to.
“She’s a keeper,” I told him yesterday.
“I know,” he said. “If only I could just kiss her, or explain to her how I feel in English.” (John recently read and recited a letter to her in Middle English. She, of course, doesn’t understand Middle English .)
****
John can’t make the first move (in twenty-eight years, he’s never been able to make the first move). He promises, though it’s not because he’s afraid. Rather, there are legitimate reasons for waiting – reasons that any nice, self-respecting guy would understand.
“She still needs to get over her ex,” he said a year ago.
“Now she’s dating another guy,” he said a week later.
“They broke up, but I don’t want her to feel like I’m a rebound.”
“She’s going to study in Chicago for a semester.”
“She’s in Chicago.”
“She just got back to L.A., and I should give her time to readjust.”
****
Where he claims chivalry… I see, potentially, a single guy for life. We can always find reasons not to do things – especially when we’re afraid of the consequences of actually doing those things. And we can give those reasons any name we want. His choice, “chivalry”, is a fine one.
But his waiting isn’t about chivalry. Chivalry is doing what’s most respectful and courteous (and, of course, abiding by the abstruse honor code of a medieval knight). If he thinks he’s the best guy for Katya, then the chivalrous thing to do would be to tell her. Giving her the chance to be with someone else isn’t chivalrous. It’s stupid!
“I know. But I’m afraid,” he says. What if I try to kiss her and she pulls away?”
****
If she pulls away, then he’ll know that she really isn’t ready and he can move on, without regret, knowing that he wasn’t gun shy. But if she sticks out her tongue to greet his, then he’ll have the chance to build a relationship with a great woman. Both outcomes are better than not doing anything at all.
“I’m going to do it,” he said yesterday, while sipping iced grapefruit juice. “I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but it’ll definitely happen.”
He is just scared of being rejected, everything he says is just an excuse.
Chances are she’s been waiting for him to ask her out for the whole year but thinks that he’s not into her.
If he would just express himself to her, he would have the answer. She’ll either jump into his arms (probably), or be flattered and thank him for his interest but say no thanks. Even in the rejection scenario, she’ll probably start thinking about him as a potential mate, and no longer just as a friend, and maybe down the road she’ll change her mind.
Well, there’s one thing I’ve finally learned at the age of 32… if you don’t put yourself out there and go for what you want, you will end up with nothing. And in the long term, that hurts more than any single rejection from a woman.
Hopefully he doesn’t remain chivalrous for too long. Regrets remain in the memory much longer than actions. Knowing is always better than the unknown. Good luck, and thanks for posting, a good reminder for anyone putting things off waiting for the perfect setting.
i’m in the exact same but opposite scenario - as a female i am pressured to “let the guy make the first move”, but what if he’s just as scared of rejection?! maybe I should make the first move, but i wonder what the guys’ take on that would be….
Chivalry was a noble trait, but I wouldn’t equate it with avoidance behaviour, e.g. knights defending a woman’s honour - and I don’t think the author of this post thinks that either. So, assuming it’s something generally good, how might we define chivalry today?
Oooh, get in there! You’ll hate yourself if you didn’t even try! What’s the worst that could happen? Exactly! Nothing except an awkward few moments if she does pull away. Go hunt and gather
can we get an update on this situation????
The same had happened to me once. My friend was too shy and too scared to loose our freindship in the bargain. End result? I am now married to someone else with a kid. He is still single.
If your friend has still not done it, please ask him to be brave and be honest to himslef and his feelings. Hiding behind a platonic friendship, when you feel something else, according to me is lying.