One of my best friends in college used to complain after every test he took. “I failed… I fucking failed,” he’d say. He was usually inconsolable. But, like clockwork, when he received the test back, he had aced it. He went on to be a Rhodes Scholar.
A teammate on my college wrestling team was more confident in his abilities than any wrestler I’d ever known. “I’m simply the best,” he said, the first time I met him. “And everyone else will have to deal with it.” Then, on the first day of wrestling practice, I watched a non-varsity teammate beat him up… and quickly learned that his confidence wasn’t at all indicative of his wrestling ability.
My girlfriend is beautiful. She has been solicited to model for top agencies, and turned them all down. “They probably ask everyone,” she says. She gets ogled by men wherever she goes, and brushes it off. “They think I look weird,” she says. She receives compliments from me many times a day. “But you have to say that,” she says. Like so many women in Los Angeles (and everywhere)… nothing in this world… nothing… can make her see, simply, that she’s beautiful!
A former friend thought he was God when it came to women. In bars, he’d walk up to any number of women, look them directly in the eye, and say, “Tell me the truth, honey… who’s the hottest guy in the room? Admit it!” And though he must have done this a hundred times in my presence, not one woman genuinely acknowledged that he was the hottest… and he was never able to hold a woman’s attention for longer than a few minutes. Yet still, he managed to end every night convinced that he was the hottest guy in the bar.
———-
Since the 1970’s, many American scientists have argued that the key to high functioning in life is high self-esteem. Low self-esteem, they’ve argued, influences everything from low grades to violent behavior.
And Americans took notice, quickly jumping on the high self-esteem bandwagon. Today, billions of dollars are spent each year on programs, books, psychiatrists, and non-profit organizations that claim to be able to increase our self-esteem – and by extension improve our ability to function and cope in life.
But there’s a big problem with all of this money being spent: The self esteem “fad” is a product of bad science!
In the 1970’s, a number of studies were published that showed a correlation between children with low grades and low self-esteem. The inference was, simply, that lower levels of self-esteem led to lower grades. Subsequently, studies showed that teenage mothers had low self-esteem too. The inference, again, was that teenage girls with low self-esteem were more likely to get pregnant!
That was enough proof for the American public. By the 1980’s, low self-esteem was seen as being at the root of most of our societal ills: Violence, drugs, poor health, unemployment, racial discrimination…. all manifestations of low self-esteem. Something needed to be done!
So we struggled to find ways to raise the self-esteem levels of most Americans… and the rest of the world laughed! “Americans have a lot of issues,” a Swedish acquaintance recently said, “But I don’t think low self-esteem is one of them!”
And the judges of international academic competitions would likely agree with him. Our students score near the bottom in almost every major international academic competition… yet we almost always rate our performance as the best!
Of course, the science on self-esteem has matured over the past few decades… and we’ve determined that, in fact, we were dead wrong in our initial inferences about the effects of self-esteem on people’s abilities to function and perform in society.
More recent studies tracked the behavior of children over time, and showed that their self-esteem levels rose when they received good grades, and fell when they received bad grades. Grades were the cause, not the effect of low self-esteem. And pregnant teenagers more than likely suffered from low self-esteem after they became pregnant teenagers… because they were pregnant teenagers. And violent criminals, counter to assumptions of many, actually tend to have higher self-esteem, which enables them to feel far enough “above” their victims to commit their crimes.
Intuition should have told us these things! If we’ve been on sports teams, we know that our teammates who think they’re the best oftentimes aren’t. If we’ve been in classrooms, we know that our classmates who think they scored the worst, oftentimes scored the best. And if we’ve been in bars, we know that the men and women who think they are God’s gift to life… oftentimes are far from it!
Although science has now largely debunked the self-esteem myth, and though simple intuition should reinforce that debunking, neither has stopped Americans and American institutions from continuing to spend billions of dollars on self-esteem programs and, in effect, perpetuate the myth.
What if that money and effort could go toward actually helping people… rather than helping to perpetuate a myth?
But to help people – and ourselves – we need first to understand the problem and second to know how to help with that problem. If low self-esteem isn’t at the root of all of our problems… then what is?
Here’s a starting point: lack of self-control!
It turns out that studying – rather than artificially raising self-esteem levels – increases a child’s likelihood that she’ll do well on a test. If you can teach a child enough self-control to study, she’ll increase her test scores… and likely feel a little better about herself. And abstaining, or using contraception – rather than artificially raising self-esteem levels – helps curb teen pregnancy. If you can teach a teenage girl the self-control to protect herself, she’s less likely to get pregnant. And not buying the shotgun and ski mask – rather than artificially raising self-esteem levels – makes it much less likely that an individual will rob a bank. If you can teach a youth the self-control to refrain from engaging in violent activities… then likely she won’t!
If we can teach (and learn) higher levels of self-control – which requires a certain amount of education and access to resources – then we start to enjoy some of the benefits that we once thought higher levels of self-esteem would bestow upon us… and we can give the international community one less thing to laugh at us about!
Author’s note: If you want to read a great review of self-esteem literature, dig up Roy Baumeister’s “Rethinking Self Esteem: Why nonprofits should stop pushing self-esteem and start endorsing self-control”, published in the Stanford Social Innovation review in Winter 2005.
You are mistaking overconfidence and egomania for self-esteem. The people you describe are perfect examples of people trying to disguise their low-self image. I used to do that same stupid crap. People with high self-esteem don’t run around acting like arrogant jerks.
Anyway, even though we disagree on that one…
I do agree about self-control. it is critical to being happy and enjoying life. Self-control is an important ingedient in having a positive self image. For example - what do you really think of yourself if you can’t stop smoking crack? I know a few former crackheads, and they think they are losers. The reason…
They lack self-control. Now that I think about it. I think you can have self-control without self-esteem but I’m not sure you can have self-esteem without self-control. Self-esteem without self-control is arrogance or hubris.
you have a good blog going here…
Good luck and keep blogging.
Steve
Good article but it doesn’t answer all questions. The way it looks to me is that most people feel good when they do well, and feel bad when they do poorly. But there are still the extremes of the people who feel bad no matter what they do, and the people who feel good no matter what. I think it probably has a lot to do with genetics or emotional upbringing. The self esteem myth was based on bad science but the examples you mentioned at the beginning of the article don’t apply because they are extremes and don’t predict the behavior of most people.
Just take a look at Japan. Most people will appear to have a very low self esteem. Some of it may be only superficial, because in Japan it is not received well to talk of yourself too highly. If you claim to be the best in some discipline, you will be conceived as a braggart and probably no one will believe you.
If you want to impress people you have to be humble. These are typical phrases from Japanese working life:
New employee standard greeting words (regardless from what famous university he/she came): “There are many things I don’t know and I will be a burden for you, I would be very happy to receive your guidance.”
When handing over a present: This is something really dull, but…
When someone is praised of being very well versed in something he will always negate it and say something along the lines of: “I’m still just a beginner… “.
But looking at what many Japanese are able to achieve it is quite amazing. Even world famous people usually never brag about their abilities. A very good example is Hideki Matsui, a very humble guy always playing his abilities down.
This article is an eye opener for me, and — after doing a bit more research — it is also in step with all the latest science on self-esteem. Narcisssism is not self hating masqueraded, as some scientists once believed… it is high self esteem out of control.
-J
Great article and great point, not to mention. Although, it makes more sense now after reading your article, I actually always wondered this myself. Why is that people tends/likes to brag about themself. But their action doesn’t speak of it.
I think most companies now coming to this realization. That’s probably why now we notice them looking for someone with skill and experience.
I NEVER felt worse when I was growing up (except maybe the time I was attacked by a gang) then when I was enrolled in a self-esteem building class called “QUEST” in 7th grade.
I did very poorly in that class - indeed, I just didn’t fit in, and was mercilessly teased in that class. It completely lowered the self esteem of the good students and raised the self-esteem of the bad ones.
I flat-out asked the teacher what it was for - and they said it was, in an indirect way, an anti-drug class.
Then why was I doing so poorly and not fitting in? The kids ON drugs were the ones with high self esteem and doing well.
Nowadays, I’m successful; I’m not sure I have great self-esteem, but I at least know my own core competence. I have a Master’s degree, plan to go on for my Ph.D., and I’m one of the few professional bloggers in the world that can afford to feed myself and save for retirement. That’s pretty successful.
I’m copying this article and e-mailing it to my old middle school.
Kind of a no-brainer. Self control is obviously needed to address problems with addiction, teen pregnancy, violent behavior, etc. I wouldn’t completely knock the importance of high self-esteem, however. It may not lead to better measurable achievements, but I think people with high self-esteem are clearly happier and less afraid of the world than people with low self-esteem. There’s clear value in that. For the guy who confidently hits on every girl in the bar without success, I say more power to him. He’s having a far better time with himself than the lonely overachiever in the corner who’s afraid to make eye contact.
Steve Olson wrote “You are mistaking overconfidence and egomania for self-esteem.”
Actually, pretty much everybody does.
Self-esteem got a lot of traction after the AAUW reported on their 1991 study that showed that girls’ self-esteem plummeted in junior high, and this was the reason girls were less successful than men. Curiously, the study itself and its data were not made available and were never published in a peer-reviewed journal. Those who finally obtained the entire study found that it showed something interesting. Although white girls had the lowest self-esteem, their overall achievement and success was highest and they were least involved in vandalism and other trouble. Black boys overall had the highest, and their achievement was the lowest, and they got into the most trouble.
I don’t really know if you’ve “debunked” anything with a few isolated incidents favoring your position, although you are making a point that is echoed modern science to an extent. It is often considered that self-esteem isn’t the complete dependency of success (or what have you), but it is a small factor. Self-control is another one such factor.
There is no single trait that will ultimately control an individual’s future, but rather a complex formula involving more than science can computer now (or maybe ever).
Nice blog entry, it’s good that people are thinking about these things. I remember reading an article that said that kids who had the most self-control when younger were the most sucessful later on.
But I still think that confidence is very important in many areas of your life. If you don’t think you are attractive to women or men, you won’t approach them, and thus you are less likely to attract them. Its almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. And if you don’t feel confident in your abilities, you can get messed up by people trash talking you - think a game of basketball.
Self-control is more important than self-esteem, but let’s not rip too hard on confidence.
Scientific American
Magazine Content
January 2005 issue
PSYCHOLOGY
Exploding the Self-Esteem Myth
http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=000CB565-F330-11BE-AD0683414B7F0000
I think the Rhodes Scholar, as well as your girlfriend know their strengths, suppressing the fact that they know it, is perhaps another one.
Interesting post and some great stories.
Could you give us a link to some of the new studies about self-esteem? I’d really like to know more.
RE: Steve Olson and Jim C.
Allow me to give you a great example of this confusion over self-esteem and ego.
I spent a dozen years in front of the lens in television news. As a whole, the industry pays FAR worse than most people believe: college grads starting as low as $13,000. As a result, the reporters in the field skew young, and don’t have a great deal of experience to guide them.
When you screw up in front of 100,000 viewers on live TV, it takes some sort of coping mechanism to get out of bed the next morning. Self-esteem can do the trick nicely, provided you have experience and accomplishment to fall back upon. The kids with neither puff themselves up with ego — and sadly, few ever drop the charade.
The latter end up confused and miserable, mistaking WHO THEY ARE with WHAT THEY DO. There’s a whole host of problems that emerge for those who sink that much of their identity with something as trivial as a profession. No, you are not a journalist: you are a human being, who trades his time, talent, and curiosity for a paycheck. That other guy is MORE than a doctor: he is a human, a father, a coach, a tuba player, and a deacon.
Interesting article, which is however contradicted by my personal experience.
A few years ago I have worked very hard to improve my self-esteem, and I can compare how I approached things before this self-esteem work and after it. The difference is quite large - I have accomplished more now when I have a higher self-esteem than before, because I am no longer afraid to try things which seemed impossible before.
Hi Dan,
You may be interested in Skinner as Self-Manager[1]. It has fresh insights into self control and inspired me. Now I have to stop myself from forcing the paper on people.
Thanks,
Quag.
[1] http://seab.envmed.rochester.edu/jaba/articles/1997/jaba-30-03-0545.pdf
You can’t compare low self-esteem people that have success with overconfident jocks that lose all the time and say you’ve debunked the self-esteem myth.
In fact in order for a study to be valid, you have to test the SAME person in both conditions: high self-esteem and low self-esteem.
Even if they get better results in the low-self-esteem phase (which could be the result of “not giving a shit” if when they’re in the high-self-esteem phase) this does not mean low-self-esteem is soemthing that should be desired.
Why?
People with low-self-esteem don’t like themselves and have a lot of bad feelings about their person. This leads to the secretion of cortisol and other catabolic stress hormones which are deffinetly BAD for the organism (the nocebo effect).
You might end up with people that perfrom well but can’t enjoy the fruits of their labour and that’s SLAVERY if you ask me!
Hi,
Thanks for the article, it stirred up some interesting thoughts for me.
As Steve pointed out, arrogance is not high self esteem, it’s an outward sign of insecurity.
You mentioned artificial ways of raising self esteem, can you explain what a natural way is please?
Having your confidence based on external validation, which I’m including your skills, will always lead to roller coaster self esteem and confidence. Also, just because you’ve an external validator - like your girlfriends beauty or a man’s wealth - it doesn’t necessarily follow that self esteem will rise.
You actually need to allow that external validation to raise your self esteem and block external ‘failure’ from lowering it.
Jim C noted that most people mistake overconfidence for high self esteem. You might be interested in in a guest post on my blog by Stephane from ideagasms.org, entitled LSE will always misinterpret HSE.
I agree with you on self control. It definitely can lead to external success, such as good grades, good car, great body, etc. But as I’ve stated above that does not necessarily lead to improved confidence.
Once again, thanks for the article and insight.
Colm
PS: Funny how I’m noticing people from the Steve Pavlina forums here, a friend who doesn’t visit that forum sent me this link! Small world!
I have often thought this. I did a course a while back called The Artist’s Way, and a big part of it was learning to silence your ‘inner critic’. Well, I love my inner critic. I’m a writer and it’s the self critical part of you that makes each succesful piece feel like a rediscovery of yoru talent. There’s nothing better than being awed by your own ability, that magical feeling of “Wow, did I do that?” or ” I don’t know where it comes from sometimes”.
Yes!
What means self-control without brain and moral values? Where from should people get the right understanding of everything? How will they know what is priority in life? What actually has worth and what doesn’t? Scientists will tell them? It will be no self-control but others controlling you.
There’s also such thing as self-worth. It’s important too cause it means thinking with your own brain before trusting some manipulators. Having more faith in yourself than in fake well-wishers. But then one needs to have confidence that he or she is doing the right thing. Thus moral values are essential. To understand the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, and truth about “scientists” who make money on you by using your weaknesses.
Sounds like pure logic to me, study and you will do well and feel good, do little to nothing and fail and you will feel lousy.
Common sense.
Japan has many thoughts of wisdom, one you can never be God! Knowing you are capable and have the strength and not fully believing that you are invincible works well. Work has to be done to achieve any form of success.
I do not live in America and have often seen and heard a few Americans push themselves forward with bolshy loud attitudes toward others claiming that if they do not come from America they can’t be good at anything. They have the tallest buildings, the strongest currency, the best and only constitution that works, all else of
foreign origin is second grade. This I fear is as a result of the severe self esteem training and to put it plainly a desperate need to show off.
Japan and China quietly go on, achieve great success and claim they could have done a lot better as they are not yet the masters.
Sadly other Westernised countries follow all America says and does as they are lead to believe America has it all.
I’m glad this has been recognised and hopefully the feeding of bulls…t that baffles brains will stop. And people will learn to be themselves and proud of who really they are.
True Inner perspective should be the thing to teach people instead.
In short, main things are being morally and mentally strong.
This notion that we can identify some simple cause (in this case, having particular thoughts about yourself) that reliably leads to getting the results we want (or, more accurately, results we *think* will make us happy), simply doesn’t hold up to scrutiny… but teaching it is a great way to become rich.
I listened to Jack Canfield (co-author — though “compiler” is a more accurate word — of Chicken Soup for the Soul) being interviewed about his most recent book. When asked why he wrote it, he spent 20 minutes talking about how he was envious of his friends who had recently put out best-sellers, how he wanted more money (!!!), and how he didn’t like being thought of as the “Chicken Soup Guy.”
I found myself thinking, “Why doesn’t the interviewer say: ‘So, clearly, not thinking well of yourself is not an obstacle to spending 25 yeras leading self-esteem workshops or making tens of millions.”
When people complain to me that they don’t have pleasant thoughts about themselves, I like to reply, “What do you care what you think about you?”
There’s definitely a difference between well-founded self-esteem and unfounded self-esteem.
Well-founded self-esteem is due to success, coping with difficulties, and believing you can tackle things… because you have. This is the good kind. This is the kind that convinces someone they can learn something new, go do something they haven’t done, and that, if they screw up, life will go on.
Unfounded self-esteem is puffery and egotism and narcissim… and unfortunately this is what is being spoonfed to children these days, or so it seems from my angle.
Real self-esteem building activities involve pain of some sort. You have to struggle with something you believe is beyond you, and tackle it or at least put on a good show. But working on something that you think is hard is the antithesis of today’s self-esteem movement. The world-padders and child-coddlers think that the mere thought “I can’t do this, it’s too big” is damaging to self-esteem and so the kids should never think it. The result: a lowering of standards, unfounded self-esteem, and kids with the nagging sensation that they’re not worth it, after all.
And that quiet little nagging voice is, in my opinion, why so many “high self-esteem” children and adults are brats.
Some degree of well-founded self-esteem is necessary to ever believe you can tackle anything to begin with, but it doesn’t seem possible to boot-strap real self-esteem from fake self-esteem. In my opinion, you just have to be handed crap on a plate — something you can’t avoid. And then you grow up and learn your reach.
Example: I know very smart people who have graduated from difficult colleges with difficult degrees, and very good grades. Yet they don’t believe in themselves enough to believe that they can find a good job, enjoy what they do, etc. Why? Because school is a fake challenge and these people are smart enough realize that. What they needed was more real challenge in their lives, before graduating. I try to tell them, “You only think that because you haven’t done it before. You just have to man up and do it.” but that’s the kind of advice you only realize is true after the fact.
FWIW, I’m with you. This piece is dead-on, and thank you for writing it.
I agree with Bev, Americans today are overinflated with self esteem so much so they truly believe themselves to be greater than great, but don’t really know themselves very well at all.
A more spiritual point where one humbles themselves and does not boast can only prove to be more admirable amongst others.
Self esteem in any form equates to boastfulness even if one does so in ones mind it shows and isn’t always attractive. Inner confidence from self knowledge is not the same thing at all, and takes a long time to achieve its more like the wisdom of old.
I’m with Amy. I suppose that is where the notion that failure is a bad thing comes from. That there’s no last place, that everyone gets a trophy. How better you enjoy the sweetness of success when you have experienced the bitter taste of failure.
On: Steve Olson Comment on Jan 4th, 2007 at 2:15 pm.
I agree with you 100% when you state the fact that people with high self-esteem DO NOT run around announcing to the world how great they are and/or acting arrogant. That, I believe, is a front being put on for several reasons and that depends on the person. One reason could be in fact low-self esteem (as I myself have personally behaved that way in the past), another reason could be lack of emotions and/or jumbled emotions; hence the need to appear as though they are ‘normal’ or even better than ‘normal’.
Now, as far as self-control and self-esteem are concerned, I do not believe you can fully consistently experience one without the other. Also, they’re both going to have the tendency to vary depending on one’s past and current circumstances as well as a deep understanding of both, support system, belief system, etc…
We see each other through other people’s eyes really. We make a decision of who we are based on people’s reactions to our behavior. Especially our loved ones. It’s a complicated issue but definitely one worth discussing about and also, worth learning different perspectives.
Self-esteem does not, in my eyes, exist without self-control. Positive self-control does not exist without a positive self-image.
This has been my own experience and not to brag, many research findings. I think they both go hand in hand and we should carefully watch out in order to detect external/internal factors impairing either one. They’re both crucial for a healthy, happy life. Keeping an open-mind, getting outside (therefore more objective) opinions, I think plays a major role in whether one is to succeed in this area. It is VERY possible if, that is, there is support and that same support is accepted.
-Diana Chance
I agree with much of what is written here, but I do not see any comment on the importance of a persons ’self image’, as discussed in much of Paul McKenna’s work and of course Maxwell Maltz in his book psycho cybernetics.
What a person thinks about himself or herself comes as much from the image that they hold in mind of the type of person they are and what such a person is capable of, as much as from their self-esteem.
Is it possible that their self-image will determine whether they have positive or negative self-esteem? Their self-image maybe a result of experience and that will be influenced by their ability (whether innate, learned or a hybrid) to control their actions and impulses. Is self-control or more importantly the lack of to blame for the obesity, crime, drug and sexual deviance problems that many societies face today?
Lack of self-control leading to negative consequences and a negative self-image, or a poor self-image leading to poor self-control and its consequences?
I suppose the question is, how does a persons self-image form, and at what age? Is it fabricated by the time we hit puberty for instance ?
Any thoughts folks?
What is the nature of international responses to health problems? What assumptions and intentions underlie aid programs? WBR LeoP
Interesting post. You mentioned many “studies” but didn’t cite a single peer-reviewed scientific journal article. Your thesis, if you will, would carry a lot more weight if you backed it up with the actual evidence instead of just telling the reader that you know there’s evidence out there.
I grew up with alot of self-control. My parents taught me to take good care of myself. I never did drugs or went crazy in school. And although I got alot of respect for my calm and wise ways, I internally lacked self-esteem. After I graduated, I decided to have “fun”. I started going out more, had more boyfriends, and began to feel more confident. However, I realised that many people lost their respect for me. I don’t believe theres a right way of learning because of our social deformaties. We live in such a diverse world where we’re constantly being measured, and the only thing we have full control over is our own perception of ourself. It is important to teach self-control and self-esteem, but through self-reflection. We need to teach our children to reflect on themselves at an early age. Keep them intouch with thier emotions and teach empathy. That is the key. Let them explore everything, but with a high self-conscience.
I agree with most of what you say. Too much importance is put on high self esteem. This is because low self esteem is overdiagnosed. It’s actually something that VERY FEW people suffer from. You mentioned your girlfriend deflecting compliments from you and others. I think she’s got you fooled. She doesn’t have low self esteem either. At worst she’s fishing for compliments. At best she’s practicing humility. That’s good. I think many in our society confuse humility with low self esteem. When did humility become a bad thing anyway? It’s something you CAN’T have too much of.
Thank you for this website. Yes, the myth of SE should have been intuitive. I taught for over 40 years and it was no secret to me that time-on-task (the amount of time one studied regularly per week) was a more important factor for success than I.Q. or one’s image of one’s self or how one believed others viewed oneself.
At my 50 high school reunion, whatever we projected about ourselves in high school, we projected 50 later. I did not say whatever self-esteem we had…
Who is walking around with a conscious preoccupation of what they feel about themselves. We just feel and think simultaneously. The pseudopsychologists disect from our totality what is not disectable in reality.
Thats for this great review of self esteam. I think you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head.
In many ways confidence (as opposed to arrogance) is one of the most attractive qualities people can possess. However it can be difficult to get people to develop it.
Great blog!
A good article and an excellent discussion going on here.
I think too many people base their level of self esteem on external factors, and self comparison to them. Everyone is unique, and therefore different to anyone else. By doing so failure is inevitable. The foundation of self esteem is self acceptance.
very true!
I honestly don’t think that nurturing self esteem is a bad thing. You do it through accomplishment. Nothing beats the feeling of tackling tasks of ever increasing difficulty. And yes, encouragement at times helps those of us who have motivational issues. And I think you CAN do really well in school, and have low self confidence in other areas of your life.
I am one who is able to logic herself out of many of the ’self distructive paths’ but some of those thoughts wouldn’t even cross my mind if I believed that my contribution to society was really worth anything at all. That being said since I have a propensity to glass half full thinking the fact that I can go through a mental list and convince myself that life is not that bad is a good thing.
“I’m Stupid” - Well, no not really I managed to do well in college, and my nickname at work is “guru” so I can’t truely be that devoid of intelligence. I am at the very least able to get myself to conceed that I am of average intelligence.
And I think that as I accomplish other things it will help assuage my other fears/naggling inadequacies.
Do I think insanely high self esteem is a good thing, no I wouldn’t want that kind of mania. I’ve said it before, I would hope someone would help ground me if I ever began to have delusions of grandeur. I think that a part of healthy self esteem is an awareness of ones limitations. Not allowing them to constrict you, but knowing how far you can push .
So if i KNOW I can do ABC and I think I can do D and MAYBE E… I wouldn’t try to do JKL right away without proper preperation.
I guess thats my personal theory on it though, not at all scientific and no research to support it just personal experience… so this whole comment is purely subjective.