Meditations on Meaning

1. Online daters are who they want to be… not who they really are!
Online dating profiles tend to portray fantasies of who we want to be… not the reality of who we are. This is because we (people) understand that online dating sites are a meat market, and we want to advantage ourselves however we can… thus, we stretch the truth a little bit… not a lot… just enough to give us that edge!

We use the picture from five years ago that we took after that miracle lemonade diet, we talk about our desire for world peace, and, perhaps, we ruminate about the thousands of sexual positions we’re capable of “doing it” in. Such fantasies are fine if they stay in a fantasy world, like online gaming. But they’re extremely disruptive in the online dating world, where we depend on potential partners accurately portraying themselves.

2. Online daters don’t know who they are or what they want!
Even if we wanted to be honest about ourselves, we couldn’t be… because we don’t know ourselves that well! Our minds feature many complex systems designed to survive in (adapt to) a variety of situations. We’re different people in front of our friends than we are in front of our parents. We have different needs on Friday night than we do on Monday morning. And if we communicate all of these “faces” to others (or even to ourselves)… we’ll seem (and feel) schizophrenic.

So we usually choose a single “face” that feels comfortable… and call it our own. “This is who I am and what I want,” we’ll earnestly write in our online dating profiles. And perhaps we’ll really believe it. But really, whatever we communicate is only a part of who we are and what we want. We’re capable of being and desiring so much more than we know… but for the sake of clarity and definition, we lose our humanness and become two-dimensional characters – because that is what is required, we believe, to find a partner!

3. Online daters can’t “read” each other well enough to make accurate decisions
Even if we did know who we are and what we want (which, largely, we don’t), and even if we tried to reflect it all in our dating profiles…. we’d fail miserably. Online dating sites don’t give us the tools we need to “read” someone even 1/10th as well as we can “read” him or her in the real world.

The words we use are responsible for only 7% of a first impression. The rest of the impression (the vital 93%) is communicated through facial expressions, body language, voice tone, word speed, etc – in other words, the rest of it is communicated through physical presence. With every “step” we take away from physical presence (in-person conversation à real-time video à telephone à IM à email) we lose another tool that can help us more accurately create valid first impressions. Dating sites make a living on taking away our capacity to glean anything of value from others’ profiles!

4. Online dating only allows people to get to know each other in one way!
When we meet someone on a dating site… there is no mystery about why we’re meeting… we want either sex or a relationship (depending on the slant of the dating site). This pressures us to make snap decisions based largely on inaccurate information about whether or not we wish to engage in a relationship with a potential partner. And perhaps given more time… and information… we’d have chosen otherwise.

On the other hand, when we meet someone in the real world – whether at work, at a ballet recital, or at an intramural baseball game – the pressure to discover the golden nugget of attraction isn’t there. We can get to know each other under other (also valid) pretenses… and perhaps work our way into a relationship later on. By taking away all pretenses, dating sites can oftentimes increase the stress and dissatisfaction in the dating process.

5. Don’t let ‘em fool you… the dating “experts” aren’t really experts!
If you take nothing else away from this little article, I hope you take this: there is no such thing as a dating expert… only people who use fuzzy math, hypnosis, or their celebrity status to make us believe they’re offering good advice. But the truth is, their advice isn’t even remotely applicable to the vast majority of the population! Sorry Dr. Phil (Match.com), Dr. Warren (eHarmony), and Dr. Sue (Oxygen show)… but you’re old, out of touch with the nuances of today’s dating world… and lame!

Our dating needs are unique… as are our personalities and predilections! The person (or persons) that work for you likely won’t be anything like the person (yes, just one) that works for me. The magic dating formula offered by eHarmony, Chemistry.com, and so many other dating sites… simply doesn’t exist! No reputable academic journal has ever published an article affirming the scientific validity of these formulas because, simply, there is none.

Conclusion
Finding the right partner (when it comes down to it) requires getting to know someone – not by reading their profile… but by, ummm… getting to know them! Luckily, all that’s required for this is a simple hello and an offer to buy a cup of coffee… while we wait for technology to work itself out!!